Vintage Funny 2

Since I have not posted in a while and this last one was me rambling, I decided to recycle some old funny. Enjoy!

Yesterday evening, after a long hard day of work I found myself so very relieved to be heading home to relax. In my attempt to be healthier I have been drinking massive amounts of water and thus my foot was a bit heavy with the need to make it home with dry britches. Thankfully my goal was not frantic yet.
It was frantic, tho, once I had reached my driveway and as soon as I halted the car nice and close to the gate, I was out in a flash, car door locked and purse in hand. With great athleticism I raced up all five steps to stand on my porch and realize that a very key element to me accomplishing my goal. I heard the puppy whining from inside and for a moment I felt the urge to whine back to him. Especially when I saw not only the car key, but the house key dangling from the ignition. Frantically I searched around the porch for some brilliant idea that might be tucked under the rug. Naturally, given the state of the situation, the whole searching process included a bit of a hip sway dance, and don’t pretend like you don’t know this dance, now that my situation had become direly urgent.

My first thought was that perhaps the side door had been left unlocked. So I raced to the gate and realized that my girth was far too great to fit in the few inches of space I had left between the front of the car and said gate. With a sigh of frustration and a few funny looks from my neighbors I raced to the other side of the house, perhaps I could open up a window from the outside and slide in. Of course with this window starting at my neck and going higher, there was no chance I would make it. A squeal of frustration was uttered when I realized I would have to brave the gate and see how squishy I could actually become… with a full bladder mind you. So I ran to the gate and give it a look of determination. Each little wiggle brought me further into the back yard and several more bruises across my back. At one point I had to bend and push the car with my knee for those extra centimeters needed to wiggle in and finally I was in, of course with the way I had wedged myself, breaking free meant crashing to the ground with a bruise across my back from the gate latch and a yet even more frantic need.

Sadly the door was locked, however the deck allowed me access to an unlocked window in my room. With joy I yanked at the screen, finding it breaks easily. I pushed the window open victoriously all the while doing that all too familiar dance we learn as children when the bathroom is taken. The last and final hurtle was then realized… I am short with even shorter stubby legs and the window was just high enough to make it quite the feat. So I leaned on the railing to give my leg the best chance it had of finding the window. Once I had my leg up to my shin inside I discovered the down side to stretching a leg so high without warning was the cramp that soon follows. Frantically I leaned more on the railing to relieve the cramp and wiggled a bit more into the window. At this point, I found myself suspended in the air with the railing supporting my arms over my head, and my hind end precariously perched only half way in the window. Finally I was able to get my second leg wiggled in too and with massive strength exhibited on my part, Im really sad no one was there to see my bulging muscles, I lifted myself to sitting in the window, easily wiggling thru to crumple on the ground with a groan of pain. I have bruises to support such a tale and I hope the silliness brightened your day. If you were wondering, I made it. :D (scared the ... out of the dog tho when I walked up behind him and he was whining at the front door still!)