Irony and Chicken Wings

Im not sure exactly what this post is. I have the need to express everything in my head so if you arent inclined to listen to the ramblings of a silly girl, Id suggest you just skip this post. :)

This weekend, I came face to face with my social crimes. Repeatedly I was made aware of the decisions I make and how they effected others. Quite frankly, over the last several months I have become very selfish and self centered. Rather than simply make decisions that were best for me regardless of what people think, I made decisions that ensured I was kept at the center of attention so that I would never stop having people positively affirm me. Its been a humbling week. Rather than biting their tongue, the people I care about became very vocal about how I had made them feel and very little of it was positive.

This has brought to light some things I would like to change in myself. I dont want to be the center of attention always. When I think of the person I want to be, I want to be the stregnth in the background. I want to be the type of person that is know for being happy and supportive always. Never again do I want to be known for such negativeness.

On the other hand, it also reaffirmed that if I do not look out for my own happiness, no one else will. Sometimes people get hurt because I make decisions for the betterment of me. For instance, my mother was hurt by my decision to move to Arkansas, but never in my life have I had such a glorious adventure. If I spent my life doing what other people wanted and never once doing something for me, I would not be the Kiki Im supposed to be.

I ended a relationship with someone I greatly care about. It was hard and I hated it. I still do, but I didnt treat him like he deserved to be treated and in the end, disliked myself even more because of it. If nothing else, he can now be with someone that is going to treat him like he deserves. It will be a lucky girl that is good enough for that man where the rest of us fell short.

I find it rather entertaining to learn how to be positive in everything. Natrually, I fall short more times than I succeed, but instead of saying someone was rude, its quite the challege to find the thought in my head that makes a positive statement true. Like 'that person sure knew what they wanted'. Or when the office gets so hot I could melt, instead of saying 'Why must it be so hot when I wear extra layers?!' I get to say 'My goodness! Add some sand and we could all pretend we are in Hawaii!'

I dont know if the people I hurt are ever going to forgive me. I dont know if they will ever see the pain I went thru this last weekend because I felt I deserved it after hurting them. But I will always hope that someday, somewhere, forgivness can come and I will get to experience their laughter once again.

P.S. The title has nothing to do with anything the post. I just liked it.