Christmas Vacation

Its silly really. I have so much to tell you all and yet, when I think of starting to put fingertips to keys, I find myself overwhelmed with all of it. It has almost become an obsession. Instead of just this ambiguious thought of writing anything and everythying, its now pinpointed at this blog. More times a day than I can count, I think of something to tell you, a secret to whisper in this very public ear.

I wanted you to know I got an MP3 player for Christmas from my parents. On the plane home, I didnt have anything to do and found myself reading the direction booklet. In there I found a very important guideline for using this MP3 player. It said "Do not set on fire to avoid explosion." I figured you would need to know. Its quite the profound thought. Who would have thought something electical would explode when set on fire?

Oh and this weekend while home, I took some time to contact the big ones. Those people from high school that will always be in my head. Some, I appologized to for being angry at. Some I ask if I could see them. Others, I finally got up the guts to say hello. Each of them mattered in all very different ways.

The girl I appologized to was someone I looked up to so much. I would have done anything to feel like she sought out my friendship but she never did and for that, I became bitter towards her. Its amazing what eight years can do. We talked as such very different people now.

I asked to see a few people that I may have had bad feelings towards, but have since given them a chance and found I respect them a lot. One of these was a man that will always be the epitome of kindness to me. He could see right thru whatever facade I ever had and saw the insecure girl hiding there. I believe he is the only person in all of my childhood that actually looked at me when he turned his gaze on me. He did every time, without fail. Id like to give him a hug someday if we ever actually connect.

I spent this weekend loving my family and laughing so hard I cried. But I am more proud of doing the relational things I have been avoiding for the last 8 years than anything else. I want them all to know who I am now and not remember me for who I was. I want them to see a woman that dares to dance in the rain where they used to see a girl tormented by her own bullying thoughts.