New Years Revolution

Today is the day folks! I have made a list of the things I will do next year to become the new Kiki! Im pretty excited and since we are overthrowing the old me to bring in a new one, its a revolution, not silly little resolutions. If you needs some ideas, please feel free to use mine. Now according to a coworker, this blog is supposed to be all about how much I love her so I will say I do love the lady even if she doesnt eat solid food. So there you go Wendee, theres your shout out. Also, since we are dealing with logisical issues, Keenan smells.

Right, on to the important things. Here is my list!

Be like a famous person: Now I was thinking Tiger Woods, but enough people are being mean to the man so I will let that one go. Then my second thought was maybe Demi Moore so I could have long hair and as much as I dont mind shaving it off, my mother would mind. (Hi mom!) So instead I went with the logical and practical choice of Lord Voldemort. Now before you blow up my email, let me explain! LV as I call him, was half muggle and hated muggles (or something like that) so I figured I would epically loose half my weight and yet continue to grumble about skinny girls. That way I can loathe the half of me left and call it good.

Never wear a pair of matching socks: This was a goal for last year, but on Crazy Sock day at work, I wore a pair of matching socks to go with the theme. This time, I will not be so weak willed! No one shall thwart my efforts! Muahahah!

Take over the world: Lets face it, it will happen some day.

Cure the global energy crisis: I already have a plan. I intend to get rid of all fossil fuels so no one else can use them. How do I plan to do that you ask? Well of course its to buy a big big car and guzzle them all. So everyone there will be a bonfire at my house in the near future. Bring your own diesel. (or if you are cheap, unleaded works too!)

Be unforgetable: Once again, I has a plan! I intend to learn the Stanky Leg and do that instead of walking down the street. Now I had planned to just skip everywhere, but the last time I did that at the office, I fell down and a coworker told me sometimes its just too early to skip-to-my-lou. Excellent advice indeed so thats where the Stanky Leg plan came from. (If you dont know what the Stanky Leg is, go ahead and Youtube it)

Sing on one persons voice mail a day: No seriously, I plan to!
And Lastly: Stop letting the dog attempt suicide with eating bad things. Thats right folks, no more letting him eat bees or rat poison (not that I really LET him the first time). I will even be so dedicated to this one that I will make sure any chocolate that comes into the house is immediatly consumed.

Feel free to take some of these ideas for your own, except for taking over the world. Thats all me. Go ahead and practice calling me Princess K. now so you get used to it.

Happy New Year!

Vintage Funny

I wrote this in the summer. I still find it highly entertaining. I thought since my previous blog is so serious, I would give you some humor to chase it down with. Enjoy! (FYI: It is written to a coworker who I presume is behind the silly events.)

Yesterday evening, in the scarce heat of the day, I was rather enjoying my stroll to the vehicle. It was a pleasant stroll albeit warmer than I was used to for the last few days. Upon reaching the moment when crossing the street to my car, there were four men there. BikeMan, with his bike was talking to Quincy, I learned his name a little later in this story. StrangerMan was speaking with HitOnMeDude who, quite seriously, hits on me every day. This HitOnMeDude is the one I suspect you are working with. StrangerMan and HitOnMeDude were both chatting a few feet away, not paying little old me much of any attention when Quincy spoke exuberantly, “Quick! Here she comes! Get out of her way!” Upon seeing his excitement at the path I graced, BikeMan heaved his bike above his head and hurried out of my way. Naturally I offered them a gracious smile. I assume BikeMan could not contain his curiosity any longer and asked me, “Miss Lady? How do you get all these men crazy about you?” With a soft laugh, I answered him with the same answer I believe you would have told him. “My friend, I am crazy and I try to tell them this, but alas they do not listen to my warnings.”

Naturally, in this moment, HitOnMeDude came over with a rush of interest and spoke demandingly to BikeMan. “Who else is crazy about her?” Of course, BikeMan being the honest man we can only assume he is, motioned to dear Quincy and said, “Well Quincy is!” With a chuckle, I slid into my car with the delicate grace very well known to me. And now my friend, comes the moment the world stopped for just a split second, so quick was it in fact, that no one but me noticed.
Mr half toothless HitOnMeDude approached my rolled down window and spoke with a comraderic voice as if he were giving me some gem of advice I would carry with me for the rest of my life. This is what he said, “Now look Hunny, I have been thrown from some horses and I have broken a lot of horses. You, Pretty Lady need to be broken. Now give me your number.” In this moment, I as operating on pure instincts. It wasn’t until later than I thought perhaps you had paid HitOnMeDude to say such a thing and stir the fire of defiance that rests in my belly, constantly ready to leap out at any that might tell me what to do. Naturally, with me being as charmingly funny as I am, I responded with: “I KNOW you did not just call me a horse! My friend, this is the last time you will ever hear my voice. Im going to take my flanks and head out of here.” And with that, I drove off into the daylight. Sunset would have been much better but I was heading east.
As final insult to your failed attempt to bring me down, I waved out the window and made sure to say good bye to Quincy, not HitOnMeDude. And so my dear friend and mentor, you tried. A very valiant attempt I might add. However alas, you failed to realize me being a horse in the eyes of Mr Mostly-Toothless-Wonder would not deflate my well-earned ego! Better luck next time!

Christmas Vacation

Its silly really. I have so much to tell you all and yet, when I think of starting to put fingertips to keys, I find myself overwhelmed with all of it. It has almost become an obsession. Instead of just this ambiguious thought of writing anything and everythying, its now pinpointed at this blog. More times a day than I can count, I think of something to tell you, a secret to whisper in this very public ear.

I wanted you to know I got an MP3 player for Christmas from my parents. On the plane home, I didnt have anything to do and found myself reading the direction booklet. In there I found a very important guideline for using this MP3 player. It said "Do not set on fire to avoid explosion." I figured you would need to know. Its quite the profound thought. Who would have thought something electical would explode when set on fire?

Oh and this weekend while home, I took some time to contact the big ones. Those people from high school that will always be in my head. Some, I appologized to for being angry at. Some I ask if I could see them. Others, I finally got up the guts to say hello. Each of them mattered in all very different ways.

The girl I appologized to was someone I looked up to so much. I would have done anything to feel like she sought out my friendship but she never did and for that, I became bitter towards her. Its amazing what eight years can do. We talked as such very different people now.

I asked to see a few people that I may have had bad feelings towards, but have since given them a chance and found I respect them a lot. One of these was a man that will always be the epitome of kindness to me. He could see right thru whatever facade I ever had and saw the insecure girl hiding there. I believe he is the only person in all of my childhood that actually looked at me when he turned his gaze on me. He did every time, without fail. Id like to give him a hug someday if we ever actually connect.

I spent this weekend loving my family and laughing so hard I cried. But I am more proud of doing the relational things I have been avoiding for the last 8 years than anything else. I want them all to know who I am now and not remember me for who I was. I want them to see a woman that dares to dance in the rain where they used to see a girl tormented by her own bullying thoughts.

Paper Blog

Dear Readers,
Its Christmas Eve and I traveled from Arkansas to California to head home. On my layover in Dallas, I found a quiet place at a restaurant and watched people. After watching for not even thirty minutes, I found myself compelled to write and write I did. I scribbled down this blog on the back of my budget sheets. Here it is with a few edits:

I am sure you will be happy to know that I am so tech-savvy, I can even blog on paper! Since my computer is so stubbornly in-portable, I didnt even think I would write to all you loverlies today, but the material is just too good. So I decided to let you know what sort of people inhabit the Dallas airport on Christmas eve.

First up: A curly headed Jewish man of whos fancy I seemed to have struck. I have been told I look Jewish so its no worries, however when people usually hit on me, its never that big of a grin. Ive apparently outdone myself this morning. On second thought, perhaps I should wake up late and not get a chance to shower more often!

Second: The airline lady taking her McDonald's out for a cruise around terminal C in one of those little terminal car thingies. Also, I found not only the Little Terminal Car Thingie parking but also the Little Terminal Car Thingie traffic jam (elevators). Anyway back to the lady. She even had her arm over the back of the seat like cool high school guys when they take pretty girls out... or so Ive been told.

Third: You know how at the security point some people get impatient and start to bicker? That moment when the person that slept in and is about to be late (usually me) gets stuck behind the person that is approximately 15 years early for their flight and enjoying a nice relaxing morning (usually my dad). The the first person starts making comments and crowding the second person which causes the second person to go even slower until they are in a screaming match. Exactly... only it was a bunch of small yappy dogs today. I kid you not! Dogs barking all over the place. Had I know it was ok to let your dogs fight in the Dallas security check, I would have brought Duke!

Finally: The lazy man. Epic. This guy is absolutly brilliant. He is literally walking thru the terminal with hands in his pockets, nice and lazy. Not a thing on his person, no backpack, no suitcase, no nothing. Nothing, but his pillow, which (get this) was around his NECK! I did a double take. He was so casual about it like everyone walked around with a pillow around their neck. Oh the questions it brought it my mind! How heavy is a plane pillow? Is he narcoleptic and just over-prepared? I need to know his story!

Update: I tried it and those pillows are like a hug just for your neck. The moment it was around my neck I couldnt help but grin. Its a very happy feeling; I totally get his point now.

Puppy Gifts and Faulty Straws

Today was a day much like big days. Like a wedding day or Christmas day. It was full of anticipation and big moments. I got out of work early for the holiday and had to drop Dukie off at his vacation home down the street. Sometimes I swear he loves that place more than me!

So anyway, I come pick him up at lunch and take him thru the rain to his little hotel (the vet). I was sitting there wondering if he was going to miss me, but my wondering soon came to an end. He trotted over, wagging his tail with that look that says he is just so happy Im looking at him. Before I could even return the love, he piddled right across my shoe! In that moment I knew his first Christmas gift to me was given and I should be thankful for it.

Of course as you know, on big days like a puppys first christmas gift, something has to go wrong also. I went to a special sandwich shop (that I happen to love) to celibrate the evening. I got my sandwich and my drink. Much to my dismay, when I tried to take a drink thru the straw, I found myself getting half a mouthful of obnoxious bubbles and half a mouthful of soda. Blasted faulty straws. They have ONE simple task! One job! Its entire purpose is to transport liquid from the cup to my mouth! It doesnt even have to be self-powered and yet STILL it could not accomplish its ONE goal! Fear not! I promptly put it in its place. I flipped that sucker upside down and BAM a working straw!

The moral my friends: Never fear, even on big days not everything goes perfect but a little improvising is all it takes to make the day right again!

To Write Love on Her Arms

This post is a little more serious than others. But I feel it needs to be expressed. I struggle with depression and cutting myself will always be an addiction I fight. Today I stumbled on this website. (If you click the title of the blog, it will take you to the website) Someday, Id like to have one of these t-shirts. Someday Id like to sit in a room of people I know all wearing these t-shirts. Someday, I dream of seeing these issues no longer hidden or misunderstood, but brought to light and discussed with open minds. In my opinion, its the only way to fight these diseases.

The Christmas Miracle Milk!

Dear Readers,
This morning, I woke with a start and a brain full of questions. It was silly really, but my first question was who was calling me, which bled into why I had woken up late for work, which bled into whats going to happen when I answer the phone and my boss is on the other end asking me where I am, which bled into why am I late for work if its still dark outside?

Naturally, to quench my curiosity, I snagged the phone, accidently kicked a snoring Duke, and pressed the answer button. Nothing happened, the ringing did not stop so next, I turned off the alarm on my phone. Soon, reality struck me like the coming dawn and I realized no one was calling me, it was my alarm the whole time. I wasnt late for work... yet. While the snooze button is a beautiful thing, its also is the birth mother of rushed mornings. While my morning was indeed rushed, I did get the vitals in; shower, clean clothes, brushed hair and teeth, fed and medicated Dukester. Everything was set except food.

Now let me just tell you I am quite determined to stick to my budget and thus, picking up food on the way to, or at work simply is not in that budget. So I grabbed my box of cereal and figured I would get a bit of milk at the cafeteria at work. I had enough change to be able to get it without letting it touch my budget.

So off to work I went, happy and excited about my cereal. This, my friends, is when the grinch comes in. Walking into work, I soon found that the cafeteria is closed for the whole week. I had gotten the email but forgot to remember it in my rushed morning. I had no milk... let me say it again so you may understand the emotion in the situation. I HAD NO MILK!! My favorite ceral, a bowl and an extra few minutes... everything perfect but the MILK!

Naturally, being a creative person, I contemplated the idea of mixing some creamer with water in order to substitute for milk, but then my taste buds chimed in and vetoed that straight away. Shuffling into the break room, I tuned my small violin and sung my sob story to a coworker. She looked at me slightly baffled that such dispair could come from missing milk (or so I assume) and informed me that her team was having milk and doughnuts this morning and all I had to do was ask Squish for the Christmas miracle of milk.

Now let me tell you about Squish. She is like an elf; magical in so many ways. (I say this because she does read the blog {or so she says} aaand she had the milk). The woman happens to be one of my best friends. She is my 'in case of emergency' number and she knows more about me than most. So of course I went over, batted my eyelashes and tried to look the quintessential picture of sweet, innocent and hungry. Naturally, she gave me a glass of milk. Let me tell you folks, that milk did the trick and I was a happy camper for the rest of the morning.

After lunch, another coworker had soybeans and as I watched her with salivating eyes (yes, salivating eyes), she gave me some! Now I know I sound like I spend all day begging things from people, but I assure you, my faithful readers that I only do that on some days! On other days, people are much more resistent to the puppy dog eyes and whimpering.

Phone Breathing

Today has been rather interesting. I spent my lunch break sitting in the sun, feeling the cool breeze remind me its winter. My puppy, who faces much adversity on a regular basis, seems to be recovering from his exploits well. Aside from wanting to play in the middle of the night and finding himself outside to sleep in his massive, shed-shapped doghouse, he has never seemed better. So the stress is off. I was just starting to enjoy such a nice friday when the worst of the worst happened.

Now to explain the situation fairly, let me give you a little run down on me. 1) I work in customer service. I love it. It gives my day purpose to have people needing my help or needing to understand something and being able to educate them. 2) One of my biggest pet peeves is being breathed on. There is just something about that closeness with someone that gently pokes and prods at me until I can do nothing but shriek in horror and squrim like a school girl being chased with a snake.

That being said, let me give you a run down of how this went. I was just sitting here, minding my own business. I must admit I snuck an extra doughnut from another floors party, but they didnt even notice the girl in the saggy pants running away with a doughnut, laughing victoriously. All in all I had done little to cause karma's angry hand on my baduccus. (Thats Kiki language for bum bum... erm... how do you say... buttocks. Yes yes) The phone rang (which is not the exciting part of this story, it always rings). HOWEVER! Before I could even suffer myself to say a single word, there it came, like an ominous call from my very nightmares...

Nothing was heard but the sound of the woman breathing ON THE PHONE! It was nothing but pure horror! I couldnt get away from it, I couldnt run screaming, I had to steel my nerves and speak to the woman as if she werent mimicing how much in my personal space she would be had she been face to face! Where is the phone etiquitte in the world?! Oh the madness! To make matters worse, she was a psychiatrist! I was mere moments away from breaking down, crying and begging her to fix the brain she had just melted with her inconsiderate phone-breathing.

Needless to say, it was traumatizing and I wish to never relive that memory again, but thankfully I made it out alive. Even better, I was able to overcome the stress so another personality was not needed to be created. Yay me!

Beginings

I realized today that the first thing I do when I wake up is think about writing. The last thing I do as I am drifting off to sleep is wander a lazy path thru the dreams of being a working writer. Each and every day is filled with thoughts, musings, dreams on what life could be like if I danced the waltz of a word dancer. Ill admit much of it is silly, but sometimes there are moments of substance; dreams of effecting people with the thoughts I strive to be so poignant about.

I watched an interview once where the interviewer was saying that good words, full of thought and purpose can stay with someone their entire lives. I agree. There are things that we hear or read that will pop back into our minds for a lifetime. I long for that sort of relevance. I ache to mold words into pictures and sounds never before seen and emotions never before felt.

I must admit I am terrified of this blog. I dont think one realizes an opportunity for public failure until we are faced with it. I am putting it all out there, my guts and my heart on the line to accomplish something I want so bad it hurts. The F word (failure... calm down y'all) has always been something that can intimidate even the mightiest hearts back to inaction, but so many people have pushed past the fear and reached for the dreams. Even I have done so on many occasions so why is this one so different?

Because if my dreams and goals were a target on my chest, this one would be the bullseye.