Irony

I feel at a loss of words, which is pretty ironic since I'm typing some anyway. heh.

I have spent a year living alone and having a home devoid of other human voices and after a week of my parents staying in the same house, I found myself so full of human contact and interaction. At the same time, though, I miss them. Like, really miss them. Truthfully, last week I broke up with someone I felt very close to, someone I really cared for and a house full of people kept me from being alone with my thoughts. So now that they are gone, I am stuck with the thoughts that I have been avoiding.

Whether my emotions are rational, valid or even long term remains to be seen. I feel as if I have lost time. Like this lesson was already learned and now I am just a year older then I was when I learned this heartbreak last time. I feel like Im running out of time and pretty soon, I will be that crazy old dog lady that has a million and no friends to speak up. I have these wild fears that the life I have in my head that I have been working towards for a decade is so much of a good life that I will never actually get there and someday, I will have to stare my failed life in the mirror and it will have wrinkles.

The fear makes me unable to breath and I think its probably the most raw emotion Ive ever put on this blog, but that is where I am. Maybe I am a lost cause. Maybe that 'someone wonderful' my mother always speaks about is just a mirage and I will spend my life crashing my head against a brick wall just in hopes of catching a glimpse of him.

*deep breath* Now that the rant is gone, I have some very exciting things to tell you all about, but I have to wait until I have permission to share them. However, in the mean time, is it just me or does anyone else fear dying alone? Do you ever fear you are the only one doing it to yourself?